A Literal "Shit Storm"

If you are squeamish, I'll implore you to stop reading now.

Anyways, we went to go dump the black water tank on the RV the other day. If you don't know what the black water tank is, well... it's the crap tank. It was full beyond full. As soon as I went to pull the lever on the valve, it broke off right in my hand. You probably don't know what this means. Let's just say that all 20+ gallons of human waste was left trapped behind a broken gate that would not open. In order to fix this, you have to replace the valve.

Well, this sounds simple until you realize that when you take off the valve box, there will be a Niagara Falls of rancid crap that will fly out of the thing.

Want to know what's even better? You have to be laying under this thing to get the valve off.

So, knowing all of this could not prepare us for the reality of what 20 gallons of rancid urine and feces would do once it found a hole to break out of. Do you know what it's like to be sprayed by that? It was literally a gusher of poo spraying all over the dump station. My dear sweet wife had enough balls to try and stick the sewer hose in it to control the flow, which only stopped maybe half and left her arms covered and spray on her shirt and face.

So, after many many many long minutes of washing, scrubbing, hosing, and rubbing myself down with enough hand sanitizer to kill an elephant, I'm proud to say we now have a working valve again.

The Ferrets Have Gone Rogue ( and you can win free stuff)

We have quite the dilemma on our hands. We had 50 ferrets, and they've busted out. They're hiding all over the shop, and we don't know what to do. So, we need your help. The 50 ferrets are scattered all over the pictures of our items. Being cute and doing the things they do. Of course, we have to reward you handsomely for your help.



The rules are simple:

1) Whomever finds the most ferrets wins $20 worth of free items (no strings attached). The next best wins $8 worth, and the one after then wins $5.

2) Just go ahead and convo us (in chunks and not one at a time, please!) or email us at FindTheFerrets@gmail.com with the titles of the listings you've found. We'll be keeping track of the results (you might want to keep record yourself, just to be sure.)

3) When the contest is over, we'll announce the winners. Should we get multiple people finding all 50 there will be a drawing for the top 3 slots.

4) Contest runs from May 26th- June 2nd


By the way the little guy you are looking for looks like this:
*Hint: Only their little bums or eyes may be peering out.

The Ferrets Are Becoming Restless

They've been making noises for some time now. I've been hearing the whispers of discontent from many of their squeaky bodies. It's been getting harder to ignore.

I happen to wonder if something's happening with them. I try asking them, but they stay silent. Obviously, they don't want to tell me. They keep lips that are tighter than Fort Knox.

I've been finding crude maps drawn all over the place. I have no idea what they mean. Ferrets are not very good drawers. In fact, they're very poorly done. If they can follow them, that's great. I sure can't.

Something is amiss. Those weasels are doing something.

What To Do When Your Humble Shop Fails Like a '89 Ford Taurus

This is a subject I know a whole crapload about. I know everything, mind you, but I know this better than you. It's happening to me now as I write this, and as you read this, and most likely as someone in the year 2020 is reading this.

In the course of running your business, things happen. I don't know what these things are. I'm not a damned psychic. Nor can I be bothered to research "things". I can just guarantee you it happens. I can also give you an "extended warranty" on your car. Send me an e-mail for details.

You're cruising along with your business. Sales are kicking names and taking ass. You're on the high horse. Making 50 dollars or more a day. And then it hits. You're making 5 bucks every 3 or 4 days. Maybe more, maybe less. Whatever your threshold may be. I'm just speaking from my experience, because it's the most valid out of everyones.

And then it happens. You start getting angry. You start worrying. You wonder who you've pissed off, and what you're doing wrong. You're wondering if you kicked a box full of newborn puppies and kittens in your sleep, and you're getting a truckload of bad karma for it. Look, the puppies and kittens were going to be communist guerillas in Latin America anyways. Don't sweat that.

Look, what you need to do is change your perspective on the situation. You can't wallow in self-pity and oceans of doubt. All of this negativity and stress is going to give you a heart attack or five. And then you're stress will become your family or pet guinea pig's stress. Also, you'll have to pay lots of money for exotic drugs you can't pronounce. No one wants that.

So, instead of stressing about what you could be doing right or what you've been doing wrong, let's look at it from another angle.

1. You could always burn down your shop and collect the insurance.

They called it Jewish Lightning back in the day, but even if you fit under another religious system, that doesn't mean you can't do it anyways. Now, I'm sure the insurance agent will have lots of pesky questions such as: Why did you burn your computer? Do you have a policy with us? Did you know health insurance doesn't cover property? Are you trying to defraud us? Plan your answers out ahead of time. Take the $50 dollars you make out of doing this and run. This should help cover the lost sales for a while.

2. Take your dog for a walk.

Now, this requires you having a dog, obviously. If you don't have one, go buy one. You're hemmoraging money anyways. Take what you can before you go bankrupt. Write it off on your taxes. Say it was for office decor. They're cheaper than a psychiatrist after you have a mental breakdown, for sure. Of course, the dog will love it. Until you walk the thing for 16 hours a day and it gets a little testy. You might also be known as that crazy person who walks their dog up and down the street all day while babbling to themselves frantically. But, who cares about them? Your health is #1.

3. Take up unhealthy amounts of smoking and drinking.

Look, most medical professionals will tell you this is a horrible idea. I'm not one of those professionals, but I did Google this statistic. I found at least one 2 pages that said getting plastered is a great way to relieve stress. I can tell you from anecdotal evidence that drinking a 12 pack of Busch Light in an hour will take your mind off of most of your worries. This brings me to our next point...

4. Take a whole boatload of LSD.

If this world sucks, leave it. Take 6 tabs of blotter and go sit in the park. Become one with the trees. Now, there is one problem with this, but you can use it to your advantage. Some people with delicate mental constitutions might, as we call in the industry, "totally lose their shit". At which point, trying to piece yourself back together atom by single atom will distract you from your failing creative endeavour. Who has time to worry about SEO when the entire illusion you call your life is imploding before your very own eyes in slow motion and reverse? I know I sure don't.

5. Blame everyone else on your failure.

It's never your fault. In the 21st century, no one should be accountable for your own actions. Your items aren't selling because of you. They're not selling because no one out there has good taste. How can they be so blind to the value of the products you sell? Does your feedback scare people off? Well, the feedback those jerks left was just uncalled for. How dare they question how you do your business? "Blah blah blah, I didn't get my item on time and the craftsmanship was lousy and blah yadda yadda blah". These people just have too high of standards, and nothing will make them happy. They're all soulless, miserable people. You do everything perfectly, and all of the failures around you were caused by the cruel fates that be. At which point, I refer you back to point #3 or #4.

There you go. These are the best ideas I can come up with. I'm sure people will accuse me of giving horrible advice no one should follow. These people are not right, because I'm right. That means they can only be wrong. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a computer to burn and a 12 pack to bust open.

30% Super Giganto Mystery Sale!

The title really explains it all.

Something's coming on Wednesday, May 26th. And, it's a mystery (of course).

So, until that day, us ferrets are going crazy and having a 30% off sale to celebrate this unknown happening.

Check out our shop at, you guess it, http://twoindustriousferret.etsy.com for all the details.

In other news, well, there is none. It's just another nice and sunny day in the valley. Couldn't ask for more.

So You Want To Be A Massive Etsy Failure?

I've been hearing a lot of chatter on the streets lately about sellers wanting to know how they can make their business plummet. I'm not talking about a little fall. I'm talking about a 1 mile wide meteor smashing into the Earth. A flameout to be remembered for eons. Well, dear friends, I've been thinking much about this subject. After maybe, say, 5 minutes of thinking about it, I'm now qualified to tell you everything you can do to make your humble shop be a failure of wonderful magnitude.

1. Threaten your buyers with the fact you have their address

This is the first step you should take. You need to let your customers know you are not to be messed with. To that length, be sure to mention that you have their home addresses if they buy from you. YOU KNOW WHERE THEY LIVE AND YOU CAN FIND THEM. Be sure to sprinkle this liberally everywhere. Right in your announcement. In your policies. Hell, even in your profile. You are not a seller to be messed with. Say you're doing it to prevent negative feedback or make sure you get your money. Actually, you don't need a reason. You just need to let your customer know you're not one to be pushed around.

2. Leave negative feedback the second you are aware of purchase from shop

Look, this is a preventative measure. Many of us live in the blessed US of A. We believe in preemptive strikes. You should have plenty of reasons for leaving negative feedback. Either they didn't pay enough for your hard work. Maybe they didn't pay quick enough. Maybe they should have bought it yesterday instead of today. Their Etsy and PayPal shipping addresses are off. They asked you a question in the note to seller. They made you do 5 extra minutes of work you would rather not do. They were probably going to send you a convo later on whining about something. These are all elements that add to you having a negative experience on Etsy. At that rate, they deserve your negative feedback. Hell, you might not have liked their name. It's your right as an American to stand up for what you believe.

3. Make sure to let everyone know that you have a DNBF list, and make no bones about who is on it
This one is a no-brainer. You need to go find people you do not want to buy from (forums are a great place to make snap judgments about people and hold your money over their head) and then go post that list on your shop. To do this best, make sure it's the first thing in your announcement. Also, extra credit for putting the list in your listings. Even more credit if you name your pieces with cute slings against sellers you don't like (ie SellerX Is A Bigot Who Makes Necklaces That Suck Compared To Mine). The more ad hominem attacks, the better.

4. Tell everyone you are a smoker with 50 cats

Look, who cares about those crybabies who go "Wah, I'm allergic to smoke and cats". God (which we will come back to later) made these people weak, and we shouldn't cater to them. Tell people not only do you smoke 2 packs a day, you rub ash in your knittings and rub them all over your cats. If these people have a problem with it, just tell them they shouldn't be such wussies and take a Benadryl. We as a people have catered to these whiners with allergies too long. I'm allergic to pine pollen, but do I cry and whine at the trees? Do I make sure everything I buy has to come from somewhere without pine trees? No. And neither should they. Stand up for your rights!

5. Put your religious leanings everywhere around your shop, and make them as extreme as possible

It is your duty as a good Christian/Muslim/Jew/Shinto/Etc to let everyone know what they believe is wrong, and you are right. All of your customers are sinners, and you are their path to salvation. If they don't repent, they cannot buy from you. Make lots of references to the Rapture, or Jihad, or something will alienate lots of people. If they disagree with you, well, it's no big loss. They're going to the lake of fire anyways.

6. Make sure you ship your items as badly as possible

So, finally, someone ignored all of the previous warning signs. They still bought from you. How can you make sure they will never do that again? Easy. Make sure they're flamingly pissed off when they get the package. Some great ideas abound. Include used kitty litter as a protective material. Put in exploding dye packets for a fun surprise. Put "please handle roughly" on the envelope or box. Use the flimsiest packing material you can (duct tape two pieces of copy paper). Put in lots of ambiguous white powder with skull and crossbones signs. Hell, don't even ship it. Also, take your time shipping it. Make sure your customers know this too. It's your life. If you don't want to go to the post office for 2 months, so be it.

There you have it. With these 6 easy steps, you can pretty much ensure no one will buy from you ever. Now, you can leave your Etsy shop with no regrets and focus on something that truly matters to you.

Ferrets are Half Assed Luddites

Yes, the ferrets are starting to become half-assed Luddites. If you don’t know what a Luddite is, well, they’re people who think technology is evil. I don’t think all technology is evil, but I really can’t say I’m fond of the path it’s taking. And by not fond, I mean: the robots are going to eat your soul and enslave you forever. If you think I’m being dramatic, you’re completely right. I’m not going to become a slave to the robots. They’re not very friendly, and they smell like cabbage.

I’m not going to spend hours talking about the intricacies of the subject. I’m not even going to get into little things like facts and statistics. Those are for the birds. I’m going off pure instinct, and half remembered stuff I’ve read lately.

The first half remembered article that sticks in my mind featured lots of nifty photoshops of people magically ordering shoes off the Internet from thin air. There were also lots of little bubbles hanging over people’s heads that displayed tons of information about them that no one cared about. I think the gist of it was that you can go on a date with someone, and they’ll know all about you. Great. Who needs to get to know someone when a ghostly info bubble appears over their head telling you all you need to know? I’m not sure how this info bubble got there. Maybe these people have eye computers or special glasses. That’s not important. What is important is this: the bubble thing isn’t an inherently bad idea because of people filled out those bubbles like they filled out their Facebook profiles, I’d damned well know who to avoid. I also remember said article saying that computers will be 32.6357x more powerful, and they’ll put you out of work. Remember that slavery thing I told you about a minute ago? Enjoy your new computer overlords.

Also, apparently, you can pay for crap with your cell phone now. Yippee. If my track record with cell phones is any indication, I wouldn’t trust mine to be used as a paperweight. It’s only going to take a handful of morons who end up giving Joe at the Chevron their entire bank account before people realize that’s a bad idea. I’ll take this one step further. PayPal offers a nice moronic app (app is moronspeak for “I’m too lazy to say application and I’m dumb as hell“) that also sits wrong with me. If you and one of your fellow moron friends have a Draconian Closed Mobile Tether (hereby referred to as an iPhone), you can bump each other money. I think a better feature would be the ability to bump your iPhone into a brick wall and shatter it. It, and all smartphones, are truly unnecessary devices for most of the world. If I have to explain why, then you need a kick to the neck. You don’t need to be connected everywhere you go. You don’t need applications to count your butt hairs or tell you what eco-friendly restaurant serves tapas in 3 block radius at a whim. Do something else. Talk to someone in the store next to you. Don’t sit there fidgeting with your stupid gadget. You look like an asshole.

I’m getting long winded, and this entry is starting to suck. I’ll try and wrap it up. There is nothing inherently wrong with computers or technology. However, you do not need it wherever you go. And, it does not need to be tied into everything you do. I’m sure you’ve all felt the frustration of a retail store’s computers on the fritz, and you can’t even buy a damn loaf of bread. Well, imagine the frustration when that happens to the entire world you live in. That’s the price we pay for trying to make our lives easier through technology. Everything just gets more complex and ridiculous.

Mark it 8 Dude,
Cranky Ferret

It's That Time Again...

... well it should have been that time about a week and a half ago, but it kinda slipped my mind.

It's time to give away the advertising spots on the left side of the blog again.

Since I like how it went last month we shall do something in that vain again.


Free Advertising, for a Full Month, Instructions:

1) Write a poem or song that describes a ferret without using the word ferret (or weasel) once.

2) Follow my blog if you haven't already.

- You may entire as many times as you want before Wednesday May 12th at 12pm PST
- Additional points awarded for humor
- Additional points also awarded for spamming this contest about the interwebs (leave a link to where you spammed us)

Giveaway Winner is...

According to Random.org the Winning # is 6! According to my calculations...


The winner of the 500 fan giveaway is Ms. Amy Marks of Stella Relics!


Woohooo, big round of applause, drum roll, whatever have you!

Also check out her really neat shop at: http://www.etsy.com/shop/stellarrelics