What To Do When Your Humble Shop Fails Like a '89 Ford Taurus

This is a subject I know a whole crapload about. I know everything, mind you, but I know this better than you. It's happening to me now as I write this, and as you read this, and most likely as someone in the year 2020 is reading this.

In the course of running your business, things happen. I don't know what these things are. I'm not a damned psychic. Nor can I be bothered to research "things". I can just guarantee you it happens. I can also give you an "extended warranty" on your car. Send me an e-mail for details.

You're cruising along with your business. Sales are kicking names and taking ass. You're on the high horse. Making 50 dollars or more a day. And then it hits. You're making 5 bucks every 3 or 4 days. Maybe more, maybe less. Whatever your threshold may be. I'm just speaking from my experience, because it's the most valid out of everyones.

And then it happens. You start getting angry. You start worrying. You wonder who you've pissed off, and what you're doing wrong. You're wondering if you kicked a box full of newborn puppies and kittens in your sleep, and you're getting a truckload of bad karma for it. Look, the puppies and kittens were going to be communist guerillas in Latin America anyways. Don't sweat that.

Look, what you need to do is change your perspective on the situation. You can't wallow in self-pity and oceans of doubt. All of this negativity and stress is going to give you a heart attack or five. And then you're stress will become your family or pet guinea pig's stress. Also, you'll have to pay lots of money for exotic drugs you can't pronounce. No one wants that.

So, instead of stressing about what you could be doing right or what you've been doing wrong, let's look at it from another angle.

1. You could always burn down your shop and collect the insurance.

They called it Jewish Lightning back in the day, but even if you fit under another religious system, that doesn't mean you can't do it anyways. Now, I'm sure the insurance agent will have lots of pesky questions such as: Why did you burn your computer? Do you have a policy with us? Did you know health insurance doesn't cover property? Are you trying to defraud us? Plan your answers out ahead of time. Take the $50 dollars you make out of doing this and run. This should help cover the lost sales for a while.

2. Take your dog for a walk.

Now, this requires you having a dog, obviously. If you don't have one, go buy one. You're hemmoraging money anyways. Take what you can before you go bankrupt. Write it off on your taxes. Say it was for office decor. They're cheaper than a psychiatrist after you have a mental breakdown, for sure. Of course, the dog will love it. Until you walk the thing for 16 hours a day and it gets a little testy. You might also be known as that crazy person who walks their dog up and down the street all day while babbling to themselves frantically. But, who cares about them? Your health is #1.

3. Take up unhealthy amounts of smoking and drinking.

Look, most medical professionals will tell you this is a horrible idea. I'm not one of those professionals, but I did Google this statistic. I found at least one 2 pages that said getting plastered is a great way to relieve stress. I can tell you from anecdotal evidence that drinking a 12 pack of Busch Light in an hour will take your mind off of most of your worries. This brings me to our next point...

4. Take a whole boatload of LSD.

If this world sucks, leave it. Take 6 tabs of blotter and go sit in the park. Become one with the trees. Now, there is one problem with this, but you can use it to your advantage. Some people with delicate mental constitutions might, as we call in the industry, "totally lose their shit". At which point, trying to piece yourself back together atom by single atom will distract you from your failing creative endeavour. Who has time to worry about SEO when the entire illusion you call your life is imploding before your very own eyes in slow motion and reverse? I know I sure don't.

5. Blame everyone else on your failure.

It's never your fault. In the 21st century, no one should be accountable for your own actions. Your items aren't selling because of you. They're not selling because no one out there has good taste. How can they be so blind to the value of the products you sell? Does your feedback scare people off? Well, the feedback those jerks left was just uncalled for. How dare they question how you do your business? "Blah blah blah, I didn't get my item on time and the craftsmanship was lousy and blah yadda yadda blah". These people just have too high of standards, and nothing will make them happy. They're all soulless, miserable people. You do everything perfectly, and all of the failures around you were caused by the cruel fates that be. At which point, I refer you back to point #3 or #4.

There you go. These are the best ideas I can come up with. I'm sure people will accuse me of giving horrible advice no one should follow. These people are not right, because I'm right. That means they can only be wrong. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a computer to burn and a 12 pack to bust open.

2 comments:

Cyber Hippie Gypsies said...

Great advice!

*bustin' open 12 pack*

Mary Kate said...

I found your blog in an Etsy forum and it just made me laugh! Thank you for making my day brighter! :D

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