Sabbatical and The 50% Off Mega Sale

The ferrets are going on sabbatical for a while. There's numerous reasons that we won't bore you with. We'll probably come back in the late fall or early winter. Maybe sooner. Who knows? It's all in the air.

Now to the important stuff: for the next week until we shut the doors, EVERYTHING in the shop is going to be 50% off. That's right. Half. This will be going on until 7/2/10. After that, we'll be down for a while. Get your sparklies while you can. They won't be there long.

A Literal "Shit Storm"

If you are squeamish, I'll implore you to stop reading now.

Anyways, we went to go dump the black water tank on the RV the other day. If you don't know what the black water tank is, well... it's the crap tank. It was full beyond full. As soon as I went to pull the lever on the valve, it broke off right in my hand. You probably don't know what this means. Let's just say that all 20+ gallons of human waste was left trapped behind a broken gate that would not open. In order to fix this, you have to replace the valve.

Well, this sounds simple until you realize that when you take off the valve box, there will be a Niagara Falls of rancid crap that will fly out of the thing.

Want to know what's even better? You have to be laying under this thing to get the valve off.

So, knowing all of this could not prepare us for the reality of what 20 gallons of rancid urine and feces would do once it found a hole to break out of. Do you know what it's like to be sprayed by that? It was literally a gusher of poo spraying all over the dump station. My dear sweet wife had enough balls to try and stick the sewer hose in it to control the flow, which only stopped maybe half and left her arms covered and spray on her shirt and face.

So, after many many many long minutes of washing, scrubbing, hosing, and rubbing myself down with enough hand sanitizer to kill an elephant, I'm proud to say we now have a working valve again.

The Ferrets Have Gone Rogue ( and you can win free stuff)

We have quite the dilemma on our hands. We had 50 ferrets, and they've busted out. They're hiding all over the shop, and we don't know what to do. So, we need your help. The 50 ferrets are scattered all over the pictures of our items. Being cute and doing the things they do. Of course, we have to reward you handsomely for your help.

The rules are simple:

1) Whomever finds the most ferrets wins $20 worth of free items (no strings attached). The next best wins $8 worth, and the one after then wins $5.

2) Just go ahead and convo us (in chunks and not one at a time, please!) or email us at with the titles of the listings you've found. We'll be keeping track of the results (you might want to keep record yourself, just to be sure.)

3) When the contest is over, we'll announce the winners. Should we get multiple people finding all 50 there will be a drawing for the top 3 slots.

4) Contest runs from May 26th- June 2nd

By the way the little guy you are looking for looks like this:
*Hint: Only their little bums or eyes may be peering out.

The Ferrets Are Becoming Restless

They've been making noises for some time now. I've been hearing the whispers of discontent from many of their squeaky bodies. It's been getting harder to ignore.

I happen to wonder if something's happening with them. I try asking them, but they stay silent. Obviously, they don't want to tell me. They keep lips that are tighter than Fort Knox.

I've been finding crude maps drawn all over the place. I have no idea what they mean. Ferrets are not very good drawers. In fact, they're very poorly done. If they can follow them, that's great. I sure can't.

Something is amiss. Those weasels are doing something.

What To Do When Your Humble Shop Fails Like a '89 Ford Taurus

This is a subject I know a whole crapload about. I know everything, mind you, but I know this better than you. It's happening to me now as I write this, and as you read this, and most likely as someone in the year 2020 is reading this.

In the course of running your business, things happen. I don't know what these things are. I'm not a damned psychic. Nor can I be bothered to research "things". I can just guarantee you it happens. I can also give you an "extended warranty" on your car. Send me an e-mail for details.

You're cruising along with your business. Sales are kicking names and taking ass. You're on the high horse. Making 50 dollars or more a day. And then it hits. You're making 5 bucks every 3 or 4 days. Maybe more, maybe less. Whatever your threshold may be. I'm just speaking from my experience, because it's the most valid out of everyones.

And then it happens. You start getting angry. You start worrying. You wonder who you've pissed off, and what you're doing wrong. You're wondering if you kicked a box full of newborn puppies and kittens in your sleep, and you're getting a truckload of bad karma for it. Look, the puppies and kittens were going to be communist guerillas in Latin America anyways. Don't sweat that.

Look, what you need to do is change your perspective on the situation. You can't wallow in self-pity and oceans of doubt. All of this negativity and stress is going to give you a heart attack or five. And then you're stress will become your family or pet guinea pig's stress. Also, you'll have to pay lots of money for exotic drugs you can't pronounce. No one wants that.

So, instead of stressing about what you could be doing right or what you've been doing wrong, let's look at it from another angle.

1. You could always burn down your shop and collect the insurance.

They called it Jewish Lightning back in the day, but even if you fit under another religious system, that doesn't mean you can't do it anyways. Now, I'm sure the insurance agent will have lots of pesky questions such as: Why did you burn your computer? Do you have a policy with us? Did you know health insurance doesn't cover property? Are you trying to defraud us? Plan your answers out ahead of time. Take the $50 dollars you make out of doing this and run. This should help cover the lost sales for a while.

2. Take your dog for a walk.

Now, this requires you having a dog, obviously. If you don't have one, go buy one. You're hemmoraging money anyways. Take what you can before you go bankrupt. Write it off on your taxes. Say it was for office decor. They're cheaper than a psychiatrist after you have a mental breakdown, for sure. Of course, the dog will love it. Until you walk the thing for 16 hours a day and it gets a little testy. You might also be known as that crazy person who walks their dog up and down the street all day while babbling to themselves frantically. But, who cares about them? Your health is #1.

3. Take up unhealthy amounts of smoking and drinking.

Look, most medical professionals will tell you this is a horrible idea. I'm not one of those professionals, but I did Google this statistic. I found at least one 2 pages that said getting plastered is a great way to relieve stress. I can tell you from anecdotal evidence that drinking a 12 pack of Busch Light in an hour will take your mind off of most of your worries. This brings me to our next point...

4. Take a whole boatload of LSD.

If this world sucks, leave it. Take 6 tabs of blotter and go sit in the park. Become one with the trees. Now, there is one problem with this, but you can use it to your advantage. Some people with delicate mental constitutions might, as we call in the industry, "totally lose their shit". At which point, trying to piece yourself back together atom by single atom will distract you from your failing creative endeavour. Who has time to worry about SEO when the entire illusion you call your life is imploding before your very own eyes in slow motion and reverse? I know I sure don't.

5. Blame everyone else on your failure.

It's never your fault. In the 21st century, no one should be accountable for your own actions. Your items aren't selling because of you. They're not selling because no one out there has good taste. How can they be so blind to the value of the products you sell? Does your feedback scare people off? Well, the feedback those jerks left was just uncalled for. How dare they question how you do your business? "Blah blah blah, I didn't get my item on time and the craftsmanship was lousy and blah yadda yadda blah". These people just have too high of standards, and nothing will make them happy. They're all soulless, miserable people. You do everything perfectly, and all of the failures around you were caused by the cruel fates that be. At which point, I refer you back to point #3 or #4.

There you go. These are the best ideas I can come up with. I'm sure people will accuse me of giving horrible advice no one should follow. These people are not right, because I'm right. That means they can only be wrong. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a computer to burn and a 12 pack to bust open.

30% Super Giganto Mystery Sale!

The title really explains it all.

Something's coming on Wednesday, May 26th. And, it's a mystery (of course).

So, until that day, us ferrets are going crazy and having a 30% off sale to celebrate this unknown happening.

Check out our shop at, you guess it, for all the details.

In other news, well, there is none. It's just another nice and sunny day in the valley. Couldn't ask for more.

So You Want To Be A Massive Etsy Failure?

I've been hearing a lot of chatter on the streets lately about sellers wanting to know how they can make their business plummet. I'm not talking about a little fall. I'm talking about a 1 mile wide meteor smashing into the Earth. A flameout to be remembered for eons. Well, dear friends, I've been thinking much about this subject. After maybe, say, 5 minutes of thinking about it, I'm now qualified to tell you everything you can do to make your humble shop be a failure of wonderful magnitude.

1. Threaten your buyers with the fact you have their address

This is the first step you should take. You need to let your customers know you are not to be messed with. To that length, be sure to mention that you have their home addresses if they buy from you. YOU KNOW WHERE THEY LIVE AND YOU CAN FIND THEM. Be sure to sprinkle this liberally everywhere. Right in your announcement. In your policies. Hell, even in your profile. You are not a seller to be messed with. Say you're doing it to prevent negative feedback or make sure you get your money. Actually, you don't need a reason. You just need to let your customer know you're not one to be pushed around.

2. Leave negative feedback the second you are aware of purchase from shop

Look, this is a preventative measure. Many of us live in the blessed US of A. We believe in preemptive strikes. You should have plenty of reasons for leaving negative feedback. Either they didn't pay enough for your hard work. Maybe they didn't pay quick enough. Maybe they should have bought it yesterday instead of today. Their Etsy and PayPal shipping addresses are off. They asked you a question in the note to seller. They made you do 5 extra minutes of work you would rather not do. They were probably going to send you a convo later on whining about something. These are all elements that add to you having a negative experience on Etsy. At that rate, they deserve your negative feedback. Hell, you might not have liked their name. It's your right as an American to stand up for what you believe.

3. Make sure to let everyone know that you have a DNBF list, and make no bones about who is on it
This one is a no-brainer. You need to go find people you do not want to buy from (forums are a great place to make snap judgments about people and hold your money over their head) and then go post that list on your shop. To do this best, make sure it's the first thing in your announcement. Also, extra credit for putting the list in your listings. Even more credit if you name your pieces with cute slings against sellers you don't like (ie SellerX Is A Bigot Who Makes Necklaces That Suck Compared To Mine). The more ad hominem attacks, the better.

4. Tell everyone you are a smoker with 50 cats

Look, who cares about those crybabies who go "Wah, I'm allergic to smoke and cats". God (which we will come back to later) made these people weak, and we shouldn't cater to them. Tell people not only do you smoke 2 packs a day, you rub ash in your knittings and rub them all over your cats. If these people have a problem with it, just tell them they shouldn't be such wussies and take a Benadryl. We as a people have catered to these whiners with allergies too long. I'm allergic to pine pollen, but do I cry and whine at the trees? Do I make sure everything I buy has to come from somewhere without pine trees? No. And neither should they. Stand up for your rights!

5. Put your religious leanings everywhere around your shop, and make them as extreme as possible

It is your duty as a good Christian/Muslim/Jew/Shinto/Etc to let everyone know what they believe is wrong, and you are right. All of your customers are sinners, and you are their path to salvation. If they don't repent, they cannot buy from you. Make lots of references to the Rapture, or Jihad, or something will alienate lots of people. If they disagree with you, well, it's no big loss. They're going to the lake of fire anyways.

6. Make sure you ship your items as badly as possible

So, finally, someone ignored all of the previous warning signs. They still bought from you. How can you make sure they will never do that again? Easy. Make sure they're flamingly pissed off when they get the package. Some great ideas abound. Include used kitty litter as a protective material. Put in exploding dye packets for a fun surprise. Put "please handle roughly" on the envelope or box. Use the flimsiest packing material you can (duct tape two pieces of copy paper). Put in lots of ambiguous white powder with skull and crossbones signs. Hell, don't even ship it. Also, take your time shipping it. Make sure your customers know this too. It's your life. If you don't want to go to the post office for 2 months, so be it.

There you have it. With these 6 easy steps, you can pretty much ensure no one will buy from you ever. Now, you can leave your Etsy shop with no regrets and focus on something that truly matters to you.

Ferrets are Half Assed Luddites

Yes, the ferrets are starting to become half-assed Luddites. If you don’t know what a Luddite is, well, they’re people who think technology is evil. I don’t think all technology is evil, but I really can’t say I’m fond of the path it’s taking. And by not fond, I mean: the robots are going to eat your soul and enslave you forever. If you think I’m being dramatic, you’re completely right. I’m not going to become a slave to the robots. They’re not very friendly, and they smell like cabbage.

I’m not going to spend hours talking about the intricacies of the subject. I’m not even going to get into little things like facts and statistics. Those are for the birds. I’m going off pure instinct, and half remembered stuff I’ve read lately.

The first half remembered article that sticks in my mind featured lots of nifty photoshops of people magically ordering shoes off the Internet from thin air. There were also lots of little bubbles hanging over people’s heads that displayed tons of information about them that no one cared about. I think the gist of it was that you can go on a date with someone, and they’ll know all about you. Great. Who needs to get to know someone when a ghostly info bubble appears over their head telling you all you need to know? I’m not sure how this info bubble got there. Maybe these people have eye computers or special glasses. That’s not important. What is important is this: the bubble thing isn’t an inherently bad idea because of people filled out those bubbles like they filled out their Facebook profiles, I’d damned well know who to avoid. I also remember said article saying that computers will be 32.6357x more powerful, and they’ll put you out of work. Remember that slavery thing I told you about a minute ago? Enjoy your new computer overlords.

Also, apparently, you can pay for crap with your cell phone now. Yippee. If my track record with cell phones is any indication, I wouldn’t trust mine to be used as a paperweight. It’s only going to take a handful of morons who end up giving Joe at the Chevron their entire bank account before people realize that’s a bad idea. I’ll take this one step further. PayPal offers a nice moronic app (app is moronspeak for “I’m too lazy to say application and I’m dumb as hell“) that also sits wrong with me. If you and one of your fellow moron friends have a Draconian Closed Mobile Tether (hereby referred to as an iPhone), you can bump each other money. I think a better feature would be the ability to bump your iPhone into a brick wall and shatter it. It, and all smartphones, are truly unnecessary devices for most of the world. If I have to explain why, then you need a kick to the neck. You don’t need to be connected everywhere you go. You don’t need applications to count your butt hairs or tell you what eco-friendly restaurant serves tapas in 3 block radius at a whim. Do something else. Talk to someone in the store next to you. Don’t sit there fidgeting with your stupid gadget. You look like an asshole.

I’m getting long winded, and this entry is starting to suck. I’ll try and wrap it up. There is nothing inherently wrong with computers or technology. However, you do not need it wherever you go. And, it does not need to be tied into everything you do. I’m sure you’ve all felt the frustration of a retail store’s computers on the fritz, and you can’t even buy a damn loaf of bread. Well, imagine the frustration when that happens to the entire world you live in. That’s the price we pay for trying to make our lives easier through technology. Everything just gets more complex and ridiculous.

Mark it 8 Dude,
Cranky Ferret

It's That Time Again...

... well it should have been that time about a week and a half ago, but it kinda slipped my mind.

It's time to give away the advertising spots on the left side of the blog again.

Since I like how it went last month we shall do something in that vain again.

Free Advertising, for a Full Month, Instructions:

1) Write a poem or song that describes a ferret without using the word ferret (or weasel) once.

2) Follow my blog if you haven't already.

- You may entire as many times as you want before Wednesday May 12th at 12pm PST
- Additional points awarded for humor
- Additional points also awarded for spamming this contest about the interwebs (leave a link to where you spammed us)

Giveaway Winner is...

According to the Winning # is 6! According to my calculations...

The winner of the 500 fan giveaway is Ms. Amy Marks of Stella Relics!

Woohooo, big round of applause, drum roll, whatever have you!

Also check out her really neat shop at:

We're the Featured Zibbeter!


We're on the front page and have an interview on Zibbet, Look!

Also, our entire Zibbet (and etsy) shop is 30% off for the rest of the week so be sure to take a look!

Imagine If the Tea Party Was Black

Something interesting I read...

"Imagine if the Tea Party was Black- Tim Wise

Let’s play a game, shall we? The name of the game is called “Imagine.” The way it’s played is simple: we’ll envision recent happenings in the news, but then change them up a bit. Instead of envisioning white people as the main actors in the scenes we’ll conjure - the ones who are driving the action - we’ll envision black folks or other people of color instead. The object of the game is to imagine the public reaction to the events or incidents, if the main actors were of color, rather than white. Whoever gains the most insight into the workings of race in America, at the end of the game, wins.

So let’s begin.

Imagine that hundreds of black protesters were to descend upon Washington DC and Northern Virginia, just a few miles from the Capitol and White House, armed with AK-47s, assorted handguns, and ammunition. And imagine that some of these protesters —the black protesters — spoke of the need for political revolution, and possibly even armed conflict in the event that laws they didn’t like were enforced by the government? Would these protester — these black protesters with guns — be seen as brave defenders of the Second Amendment, or would they be viewed by most whites as a danger to the republic? What if they were Arab-Americans? Because, after all, that’s what happened recently when white gun enthusiasts descended upon the nation’s capital, arms in hand, and verbally announced their readiness to make war on the country’s political leaders if the need arose.

Imagine that white members of Congress, while walking to work, were surrounded by thousands of angry black people, one of whom proceeded to spit on one of those congressmen for not voting the way the black demonstrators desired. Would the protesters be seen as merely patriotic Americans voicing their opinions, or as an angry, potentially violent, and even insurrectionary mob? After all, this is what white Tea Party protesters did recently in Washington.

Imagine that a rap artist were to say, in reference to a white president: “He’s a piece of shit and I told him to suck on my machine gun.” Because that’s what rocker Ted Nugent said recently about President Obama.

Imagine that a prominent mainstream black political commentator had long employed an overt bigot as Executive Director of his organization, and that this bigot regularly participated in black separatist conferences, and once assaulted a white person while calling them by a racial slur. When that prominent black commentator and his sister — who also works for the organization — defended the bigot as a good guy who was misunderstood and “going through a tough time in his life” would anyone accept their excuse-making? Would that commentator still have a place on a mainstream network? Because that’s what happened in the real world, when Pat Buchanan employed as Executive Director of his group, America’s Cause, a blatant racist who did all these things, or at least their white equivalents: attending white separatist conferences and attacking a black woman while calling her the n-word.

Imagine that a black radio host were to suggest that the only way to get promoted in the administration of a white president is by “hating black people,” or that a prominent white person had only endorsed a white presidential candidate as an act of racial bonding, or blamed a white president for a fight on a school bus in which a black kid was jumped by two white kids, or said that he wouldn’t want to kill all conservatives, but rather, would like to leave just enough—“living fossils” as he called them—“so we will never forget what these people stood for.” After all, these are things that Rush Limbaugh has said, about Barack Obama’s administration, Colin Powell’s endorsement of Barack Obama, a fight on a school bus in Belleville, Illinois in which two black kids beat up a white kid, and about liberals, generally.

Imagine that a black pastor, formerly a member of the U.S. military, were to declare, as part of his opposition to a white president’s policies, that he was ready to “suit up, get my gun, go to Washington, and do what they trained me to do.” This is, after all, what Pastor Stan Craig said recently at a Tea Party rally in Greenville, South Carolina.

Imagine a black radio talk show host gleefully predicting a revolution by people of color if the government continues to be dominated by the rich white men who have been “destroying” the country, or if said radio personality were to call Christians or Jews non-humans, or say that when it came to conservatives, the best solution would be to “hang ‘em high.” And what would happen to any congressional representative who praised that commentator for “speaking common sense” and likened his hate talk to “American values?” After all, those are among the things said by radio host and best-selling author Michael Savage, predicting white revolution in the face of multiculturalism, or said by Savage about Muslims and liberals, respectively. And it was Congressman Culbertson, from Texas, who praised Savage in that way, despite his hateful rhetoric.

Imagine a black political commentator suggesting that the only thing the guy who flew his plane into the Austin, Texas IRS building did wrong was not blowing up Fox News instead. This is, after all, what Anne Coulter said about Tim McVeigh, when she noted that his only mistake was not blowing up the New York Times.

Imagine that a popular black liberal website posted comments about the daughter of a white president, calling her “typical redneck trash,” or a “whore” whose mother entertains her by “making monkey sounds.” After all that’s comparable to what conservatives posted about Malia Obama on last year, when they referred to her as “ghetto trash.”

Imagine that black protesters at a large political rally were walking around with signs calling for the lynching of their congressional enemies. Because that’s what white conservatives did last year, in reference to Democratic party leaders in Congress.

In other words, imagine that even one-third of the anger and vitriol currently being hurled at President Obama, by folks who are almost exclusively white, were being aimed, instead, at a white president, by people of color. How many whites viewing the anger, the hatred, the contempt for that white president would then wax eloquent about free speech, and the glories of democracy? And how many would be calling for further crackdowns on thuggish behavior, and investigations into the radical agendas of those same people of color?

To ask any of these questions is to answer them. Protest is only seen as fundamentally American when those who have long had the luxury of seeing themselves as prototypically American engage in it. When the dangerous and dark “other” does so, however, it isn’t viewed as normal or natural, let alone patriotic. Which is why Rush Limbaugh could say, this past week, that the Tea Parties are the first time since the Civil War that ordinary, common Americans stood up for their rights: a statement that erases the normalcy and “American-ness” of blacks in the civil rights struggle, not to mention women in the fight for suffrage and equality, working people in the fight for better working conditions, and LGBT folks as they struggle to be treated as full and equal human beings.

And this, my friends, is what white privilege is all about. The ability to threaten others, to engage in violent and incendiary rhetoric without consequence, to be viewed as patriotic and normal no matter what you do, and never to be feared and despised as people of color would be, if they tried to get away with half the shit we do, on a daily basis.

Game Over.

Tim Wise is among the most prominent anti-racist writers and activists in the U.S. Wise has spoken in 48 states, on over 400 college campuses, and to community groups around the nation. Wise has provided anti-racism training to teachers nationwide, and has trained physicians and medical industry professionals on how to combat racial inequities in health care. His latest book is called Between Barack and a Hard Place.

Safe Kids Move Downed Power Lines

Safe Kids Move Downed Power Lines!
Did you know that downed power lines are very dangerous? It's true! Power lines can sometimes fall due to heavy snow storms, hurricanes, or poor craftsmanship.

As a safe kid, it's your job to give grownups a hand! Here's how:

  • First, locate the downed power line. If it's up a tree, get a ladder.
  • Make sure your hands are dry! Never touch electric cables when your hands are wet!
  • Next, see if there are any adults around. If they are, wait until they leave so they don't get scared and go nuts!
  • Finally, and this will be the last thing you do, grab the cable to see if there's still a current running through it. If there is, let go! If not, move the cable out of the way where plants and animals won't get hurt.
That's it! If you follow all of these rules, that makes you a real safe kid, and safe kids are cool kids!

The Cult of Ferretry

I have reached 500 fans on Facebook. Woot!

In honor of this I'm doing a $10 giveaway, all you have to do is comment in the "500 fan" discussion tab.

So to participate in the insanity, go here:!/pages/Two-Industrious-Ferrets-Jewelry-Supply/221572436250

Why This Humble Author Thinks Macs Suck

I'll come right out and say it: Macs suck. I'm sorry if that offends you. I'm just calling it how it is. I'd be defensive if I paid a king's ransom on something that really isn't that spectacular. Hell, I defend Onan generators and mine has been nothing but hell. It's probably because I keep dumping money into it, and it's still an asshole. Everyone says they're the best, but honestly, mine is the generator from the 9th circle. It's also 30 years old. But, it's running. At least for today.

Now, before you accuse me of having some deep rooted anti-Mac bias, I'll correct you. My first computer was an Apple II. I cut my teeth on Power Macs in middle school. I learned my graphic design skills on G3's and G4's. I have spent a decent chunk of my formative years goofing with them. Back when they were called Macintosh. Back when they were actually something different.

So, here's my list of gripes:

1. You just spent roughly 2000 dollars on your MacBook Pro. Congrats, you've been ripped off. The component specs aren't much different than my Toshiba laptop we purchased a few months back. Guess what? We paid 1/3rd of the amount you did. And I can fix it myself if something breaks on it.

2. The myth that "creative" software runs much better on a Mac died when they decided to get rid of the PowerPC line. Guess what? You have an Intel processor just like I do. And guess what? You don't run Photoshop any faster than I do.

3. I don't know where this myth that OS X is so much easier to use came from. Maybe I severely overestimate the intelligence of people. I was able to reinstall MS-DOS 6.22 and Windows 3.11 from scratch in 8th grade. That wasn't very hard, and it's become much easier over time. And, any tweaks most people will do in Windows are so easy that your garden variety windowlicker could do it blindfolded and tied to a chair.

4. Apple is now more restrictive than Microsoft. Go figure. Also, hardly anyone develops for Mac. Bummer.

5. I can build my own PC from scratch. Can you do that with a Mac? Nope. Of course, going with my kneejerk reaction that most Mac users are just a notch above mouth breather, they probably have no interest in such things. Which is all well and good. I'm just saying that if you can put together a Lego set, you can build a computer.

6. And now we arrive at the virus myth. First, no one makes viruses for Mac because hardly anyone uses Macs. It's not that they're virus-proof, it's that no one cares. And also, the easiest way to catch a virus on a PC is being a complete dip and either trying to pirate software from an obviously skuzzy source, or cruising the back alleys of the Interwebs for bad porno. Either way, if your excuse for leaving PC's for Macs was viruses, you're either a thief or a dirty pervert.

7. Apple fan"persons" are probably the most annoying folk on the damn planet, hands down.

8. If you hate Windows, there's always Linux. Which isn't much different than Mac OS X. And, it can be free. Everyone likes free. Unless you're a hipster douche who wants to stand out at Starbucks.

I could think of more, but I don't want to. You know where I stand. Buy a real computer, not some shiny toy that thinks it's a computer.

Love and kisses,
The Cranky Ferret

Buy My Carp!!!

Let me make you an offer you can't refuse...

TODAY ONLY if you buy $20 worth of items get $5 worth of beads of your choosing FREE!

Message me to take me up on this offer or pick your poison and tell me what you want free in thee message to seller and you shall receive ;-)

Etsy: Your place to buy & sell all things handmade

What is the Point of Stealing Ferrets?

"Police in Mexico City have rescued 150 ferrets from armed robbers after a high speed chase.

Police say they found the furry contraband after the suspects crashed their car into a tree and then fled on foot.

Fourteen boxes of ferrets imported from the U.S. were taken by force by three robbers from a truck after it left the Mexico City airport. Two suspects are under arrest and another escaped.

Police said Friday that a veterinarian who purchased the ferrets reclaimed them.

The ferrets were unharmed."

Where do you go with that? What are you plotting? How does this benefit you? Are you going to start a bathtub ferret terrorism ring? I bet they were Nihilists...

Plans are for squares.

Want to know what happens when we make plans? Everything goes horribly awry. Some of this is probably redundant, but it's all to illustrate a point.

We made a plan to stay in Laughlin, Nevada. And what happened? We spent the night in the parking lot of a sleazy casino along the main strip sleeping with one eye open. Come morning, I was already jumping at the bit to leave. Nothing good can come out of staying in casino parking lots. Not without a loaded .44 and a jug of cheap booze to drown out the nerves while doing so. After that, we planned on staying outside of Needles, California. That was a wash. 12 miles out of town on a urine bottle covered highway. I'm all for adventure and new experiences. That just wasn't it.

So, after a frantic Google search, we ended up with Lone Pine, California.

To go there wasn't planned. We just picked it at a whim. We planned to stay there for a while, and see if I could find some part time work to store up a little bit of extra money. Of course, this plan too went to hell. Well, sort of. During the job hunt there, I picked up on the fact that a campground north of town needed a host for the season. I called the BLM office in Bishop, thinking it would at least be worth a shot.

The plans to meet the BLM District Supervisor at the campground fell apart, as well. She came earlier in the day than we had discussed. So, on yet another lark, we drove to Bishop to meet her. Lo and behold, we got the position.

It's also cute that the day everything became official, a few of the positions that I had applied for in Lone Pine called me to let me know I had the jobs I was searching for. Such is life.

I'm pretty sure we made the right choice. If you had to choose between a graveyard shift short order cook, a McDonald's lackey, and a campground host in the middle of nowhere, I'd definitely choose the host position. They money isn't the same, but it seems like a much better gig. Working at a McDonald's in a tourist trap isn't my idea of a great time. I'm sure the money would have been better, but I feel like I'd be betraying myself. I wanted to escape the clutches of the man, and working at McSkizzle's seems to go against that completely. As for the short order cook job, when the current night guy there says the owner is a slightly unhinged drunk, that sends up red flags like hell.

So here we are. 15 miles out of town, sitting at the foot of some very large mountains. Our responsibilities in life are as follows: water trees, hose out vault toilets, and answer questions. Seems fairly simple. Not exactly what I'd call a high paced corporate power position. Which is nice, considering I'd like to avoid a heart attack by 30. Of course, this position will also give us plenty of time to devote to the shiny bead hoard. This is also a plus.

I'm guessing we made the right choice. I think we did. A lot of other people seem to think so too. Sometimes, it's not about the money. It's about what will cause you the least amount of stress in life. Also, throwing burgers to uptight SoCal yuppies seems like an entirely shit position.

Just a Quick Update and Some Pictures....

We are expanding! I've added an artfire and Zibbet account. I'm pretty stoked about both! If you use the code "NEWZIBBET" at checkout on the Zibbet shop you'll receive an automatic 25% off at checkout. Test it out for me ;-) I'm pretty excited I can do discounts and coupons with this venue. Take a look at both and tell me what you think:

We've also been featured as a successful seller on a blog. Who knew we were successful huh? Either way if you went a little look into our minds and to give Katherine's blog some love check it out here:

And now for something completely different.... travel Pictures!

Happy Easter!

(Okay so I got bored this morning, give me a break!)

So, Why are Ferrets the Coolest?

I am giving away 5 free advertising spots for the month on my blog, I believe in supporting our fellow artists not charging them a butt ton to show off.

But I'm going to make you work for it.

Go to by blog and follow it, then leave me a one paragraph explanation of why ferrets are the coolest animals ever created.

Bonus points awarded for creativity ;-)

I'll give it 24 hours, and the 5 best posts will be sent a message to gather their info. The spots are the 150x150px squares on the left.

Have fun!

California is the Windiest Place I Have Ever Been

Maybe someone from California can answer me here, but is the whole state a terrifying white knuckle experience to drive?!

So we had heard that you can stay in casino parking lots in Laughlin NV for free, we were looking for somewhere to get jobs easily and this was about 150 miles from where we were. Sounds okay right? I'm not a gambler but you'd think casino should have some cheesy jobs a monkey could do right? Well we get there and our aircard doesn't work. Cute huh? Without that I can't run our business, not okay. We did however go in the casino to blow off some steam upon arrival, played $5 won $60, left immediately.

So we started researching places with free camping, good reception and a decent size town where there might be work. We decided Needles, CA wasn't far and had all these things. Let me put it this way, free camping is so far out of town that it would be just a waste of all the money you made to drive to it and this "camping" was a desert road it may ot may not have been illegal to be on.

What now?! Well we can either go north to Vegas, No. We can go West to LA, No. We can go south to the salton sea, which does have the appeal of being a "fringe" town and good reception but there's no way we'll find a job. Or very north, the closest decent size town being Lone Pine, CA. Well after much debate, angst, and worry we decided we'd take our chances with Lone Pine. It's a tourist town right at the base of Mt Whitney, both beautiful and with tourist season coming up potential jobs.

So we set out. The stretch of I-40, 58, and 395 we terrifying! When you are in a large box-ey RV and there are hurricane force winds whipping across desert, salt flats, and hills hitting you directly in the side and you are slamming on the wheel just to stay slightly in the road, it is nerve racking! Of course every time someone passes you or someone comes at you from the other direction the wind comes through an it's nearly impossible not to veer straight through their windshield. Also Barstow, CA sucks, the end.
We arrived, intact and frazzled 6 hours later. I'll tell you what though, this is a beautiful town and a gorgeous campground sitting at the base of an amazing set of mountains. As long as one of us can find a little part time job we will definitley be here for awhile. This is awesome!
Also, I added a whole bunch new stuff while we were driving. Check it out!

1,000 sales!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***In honor of our 1,000 sale, between now and midnight on Monday you will receive 25% OFF YOUR ENTIRE ORDER (not including shipping and will be refunded via Paypal within 24 hours)!

Gary is in the Latest Storque Article!

No really, it is! Look for yourself...

And no, we have nothing to do with this...

Creating a Brand is Such an Intense Thought...

Heck, you're no mega-corporation. You don't have a marketing team and a fleet of graphic designers. How on Earth is one little crafter who is trying floating in the sea that is the internet supposed to do that?

Well, let's talk about one facet that is pretty simple but very overlooked. This is one I think we do a good job with, so I feel comfortable talking about it. Part of branding is creating personality that is unique to you and your product. It distinguishes you from the masses and makes you memorable.

1) Don't be so uptight!

Obviously, if you're a jerk: don't do that. What I'm trying to say though is: if you're a sarcastic, happy, goofy person... use it to your advantage. Don't be afraid to write your policies and announcement with silly little remarks. It gives your shop life, if done right. Read ours, it is professional yet amusing. It tells you who we are and why without being annoying. Don't be so stoic: people want to know that there is a real person behind your business.

That's what sets Etsy apart from other online buying venues. It's handmade, so give everything the life of something made by a real person. When you send people e-mails, don't pretend your customer service rep for Comcast. We deal with enough of those all ready, and VERY few people like dealing with those. If your "business persona" isn't your real persona, it'll be exhausting to keep up.

2) Create an awesome name.

What sticks out to you more: "Stone Beads LLC" Or "Two Industrious Ferrets Supply Co"? I don't know about you, but I'm personally more intrigued by the thought of adorable little ferrets than "Hey, we got beads." That's just me, though. Obviously, you want said name to correlate to what you do. It needs to make sense. I had to add the Supply Co to the end because, frankly, two industrious ferrets could be a number of things. In context of Supply Co., it makes sense. Ferrets are notorious for gathering shiny things, beads are shiny... you see where this is going?

Green Giraffe Candles has nothing to do with anything, unless you're using giraffe milk as the base of your candles, and something tells me that's rather illegal. I know the name of your two sons has sentiment to you, but it doesn't for the rest of the world. Nor does "Makeup Designer". Okay, well; what kind of makeup do you design, whats it feels, what colors do you provide, what age range is it geared at, what do you care about?

3) Now take your name and make a fantastic graphic!

I made one myself at first, it was cute but nothing spectacular (if your still small and/or have no ambitions of being anything more then a hobby, go with this. No pint is wasting money right?). I decided when we arrived at 500 sales, I quit my job, and started doing this Etsy thing full time that if I was going to be serious I needed a serious graphic. If you suck at computers/design then do yourself a favor and just pay someone (if your going for the humorous cartoon look this guy is fantastic: Now here's where you need to start pondering how YOUR personality fits in with your shop, becuase it needs to be translated into your graphic. Your graphic is basically your face on the internet, you have an opportunity to show who you are and be memorable. Take it.

If your a sweet, graceful, well spoken woman don't pretend to be loud and bright becuase you think that is what will sell your stuff, pick a soft, elegant, wispy graphic. If your loud, forward, sarcastic pick a bright, bold, goofy graphic (can you guess which I am?). It needs to reflect you, and fit in with this whole "being you" thing I keep talking about. And, don't forget make sure it is something eye catching, beige damask is NOT eye catching. Something that will translate into a memorable image, whatever that may be.

4) Now brand EVERYTHING

Use the SAME image for your avatar, banner, facebook profile picture, blog header, your twitter avatar, etc... EVERYTHING! They say it takes someone about 7x of going through a shop, hearing something, reading something before it sinks in or it correlates into a purchase (I have no idea if this is accurate, but it sounds pretty good doesn't it?). If your constantly changing your avatar from your cat to your daughter, to a penguin eating sushi how will say someone in the forums remember you?

Pick something you love and stick with it, it will build your brand through that image, people will start seeing your penguin eating sushi all the time and be like "oh there is that sushi eating penguin again, that is hilarious!" I'm known for my purple shade wearing ferret as my avatar in the forums, why? I picked something amusing and I stuck with it! Heck I even get emails just to tell me that me avatar/name makes them smile everytime they see it, you just can't put a price on that!

Also, Read this:

*Throughout are graphics of shops that I think CONSISTENTLY brand themselves and use their personality to their advantage. I encourage you to check them out and study their design and lingo throughout their entire shop and all over the rest of the internet.

Shops used as examples: