Hi. I'm the cranky ferret. I'm writing this at gunpoint. Please send help.

Hi, you don't need to know my name. My job around here is doing stuff that's really uninteresting and tedious, like cleaning cat litter. I also mail packages, provide live entertainment, and scream at piles of beads. I guess I also do slightly more productive things, but it really doesn't matter. Point is, one of the stupid cats knocked my lamp over this morning, and now my foot is bleeding from broken light bulb shards.

Why am I writing on this?

I've been told people are interested in the things I have to say. I question the meal state of these people. I also question why people think I'm surly or cranky. It's not my fault this world is a ball of suck covered in crap, with a nice tidy bow of moronic tied across. I'm just the messenger, hombre. Don't shoot me.

Seriously, I guess I'm here to provide humorous levity and helpful tips. Since everyone on Etsy is in competition with us, I can guarantee that all of my helpful tips will be assured to make your shop fail in a glorious ball of fire.

My wife says that blogs need pictures. I assume this is because the average American is really an emotionally stunted 6 year old. I'll agree with her on this point. The last time I read a book with lots of pictures was probably 6 months ago. So, let me add some nice pictures to this blog.

Look at this damn thing. I mean, look at it. I bet the driver of this Amtrak had a few too many cocktails, don'tcha think?

See, when I was a child, I lived next to the train tracks. And while all of the other conductors were more than happy to let us in the cab to see everything, the Amtrak conductors were all assholes who wouldn't let us see jack. What harm is a 10 year old going to do to the thing? Probably a whole lot, but that's not the point. The most damage we could have done is run a train into a cow. That's all there were out there. Cows.

This is your average cow. Amtrak workers are afraid that your average ten year old will drive a train straight into these. Also, according to Amtrak, Antarctica isn't a continent. I don't know why the FBI isn't taking this seriously. I mean, ten year olds using trains to destroy the world is just as valid of a threat as any terror threat on the newsbox these days.

Look, the point is this: mass transit is a plague affecting everyone. I urge everyone to stop riding trains in order to preserve our cattle population. By doing this, we can all sleep easy knowing that our supply of delicious Filet Mignon will be safe from the hands of terrorists. And by terrorists, I mean inquisitive children.

Mark it 8, Dude,
The Cranky Ferret